7.31.2008

The Presumptous Presumptive Candidate

Yawn. The "arrogant uppity negro who doesn't know his place" narrative continues from the Old Party. But this time a Democrat with fucking balls is finally present to handle O's business. My shorty, Rachel Maddow, was on the scene to smack the shit out of Pat Pukeanan, who I believe suffers from a small vessel rupture towards the end of the discussion.



By the way, a couple of things: 1) How is it possible that Harold Ford, Jr is less Black than I am? Damn, sell-out centrist Blue Dog bastard; and 2) Rachel Maddow is some serious hotness. She makes my loins tingle. In my alone time I do so wish that either she was straight or I was a Lesbian. Either would be fine with me. Really.

Asante sana, Rachel for standing up to old angry white bullies for O. Much love to you and yours. Really. Much love.

For Drunks, Racists, Illiterates and Other Republicans

Empty suit? Really? O looks hella fine in a good suit. I mean, I know I am power player thin... but empty? And my post-racial skin tone goes well with as many of the earth tone hues as with the traditional power suit dark varieties.

I am sick and tired of hearing the meme from the white-wing of the Old Party that I am an empty suit. Fuck you, you jealous half-wits!

I graduated near the top of my class at Harvard. Have you heard of that little school? A couple of notches above DeVry, I hear. Anypop, I am fucking smart. No. Scratch that. I am fucking brilliant. I have accomplished much in my amazingly interesting and captivating life and I am starting to get a little pissy that you dirty fucks are hating on O like this.

In case you are truly interested in checking that bullshit at the door here is a list of things I've accomplished in just a couple of years in the Senate. Now... suck that bitches.

O, out!

Is McCain Stupid? Is That Rhetorical?

Yes. Fucking yes. A million times, yes.

I certainly think he's a foul-mouthed, ill-tempered, crass jackass. And a writer from the WSJ does too. I don't know this cat's game but this was a thoughtful, unbiased piece from a media source that one should know consistently harshes O's vibe.

The money shot:
Is John McCain losing it?

On Sunday, he said on national television that to solve Social Security "everything's on the table," which of course means raising payroll taxes. On July 7 in Denver he said: "Senator Obama will raise your taxes. I won't."

This isn't a flip-flop. It's a sex-change operation
Sweet ones, when I read shit like this and I realize that with each word I am getting that much closer to the Oval Joint... it makes my nipples hard. I have to admit it. Sorry.

7.29.2008

McCain's Commander In Chief Test

Oh, sweet Jesus! I literally shat myself watching this. Man, oh man. This goon is making this easier than snorting a line of coke from between your hot, young high school drama teacher's supple breasts while backstage during your senior year production of Hair... I've heard.



7.28.2008

Back and Doing Well

Yo, Obamanauts!

O is back in the states and glad to be back. I would have written you but as you know I was visiting a bunch of countries without electricity... or at least that's what Moneypenny told me.

I am getting back into the swing of things now and plan to write a summary of some of the things that transpired over the past week. Much was poppin' and I would be remiss not to comment on it. Things like the Mummy adopting my timeline for redeployment, mixing up the placement of middle east nations, forgetting that we fought a war in Afghanistan, etc.

The dude is a fucking lunatic and the preening press is still licking his sack and giving him a slide on his senior moments.

Expect a post on this madness tomorrow. For now I'm about to slide up on Misha for a little ooh la la. It's been a long trip.

7.15.2008

The Mummy Flips... Again.

Smoke and Mirrors

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only." ~ Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities.

Not since Dickens has there been this much flippin' confusion and contradiction about the economy . It would be laughable if it weren't so serious for hard-working Americans.

Asante sana, HuffPost for reminding us that Bush still doesn't know his asshole from his mouth. Much love to you and yours. Good thing this is all in our heads.

7.14.2008

Head Tripping

Man, good thing this fucked up economy is all in our heads. Otherwise we might have to start worrying about our loot vanishing from banks everywhere.

Good thing, huh?

Tasteless Partisan Hit Job

O Nation, this is what they plan for us over the next months.

They call this satire. Me dressed in traditional Arab garb and Misha wearing camo and looking smart with a 'fro and a Kalashnikov strapped to her back.

Note that we are standing in the Oval Joint where a U.S. flag is burning in the fireplace and a pic of Osama bin Laden looming large over the same fireplace.

Hilarious, huh?

I wonder if the person who green-lit this cover works for the Republican National Committee or just wants to.

Be strong, young ones. This is going to get nastier before it is all over.

7.13.2008

Speechless

Wow. This even makes me squirm. There goes that ambassadorship to Luxembourg, stupid ass. Watch and enjoy, Obamabots.

7.12.2008

Obama: The Anti-Christ?

When I am between gigs on the road I pull out my iPhone and surf the net looking for stories about me. Since I am the most interesting thing happening in the United States right now who can blame me, right?

Anyhoo, I am drinking a Tab and I come across a site that is simply breathtaking in its insanity. By the way, just so you know, Tab doesn't lose any of its fizz when passed through your nose. Yep, still fizzy... and uncomfortable.

The site is called BarackObamaAntiChrist, and purports to pull back the curtain on my evil, secret, devilish plans for all of humanity. What it does accomplish is pulling back the curtain on what is clearly the deeply bizarre religious paranoia of the writer.
"Barack Obama may be the Antichrist, he has risen up out of no where, he mesmerizes crowds, people are gathering in huge numbers, he is likely becoming the next President of the United States. Do not look only to what I say, but look to your Bibles, to passages in John, Daniel, and Revelations."
Wow. That's it? People like me? They think I might bring honor and rule of law back to the country after 7 years of totalitarian fuck-up? Well, according to the author, its all that stuff and some fairly liberal application of passages from a book translated from two or three ancient languages that also indicates it's fine to own slaves, take possession of the wife of your dead brother, and stone people who work on the sabbath. A rather fine guide for civilized behavior, if you ask me.

Another reason that stands out as evidence O is the Anti-Christ is that I once reached into my pants pocket at a campaign stop and pulled out a pocket full of good luck charms and shit. Among them was a golden Hindu monkey charm. A fucking monkey charm. Hindu. Dude, I didn't even know whose pants those were. I sometimes have no idea what I am wearing or where it came from. They seemed to fit me.

I am almost certain that the level of crazy exhibited by the author of this site can only be attained by sitting for hours in your own feces and smacking your genitalia with a ping-pong paddle while masturbating into a rubber glove to reruns of Match Game on the Game Show Network. It also helps if you were breast fed until your senior year of high school. I just hope this person is under the direct care of a doctor. Any fucking doctor.

During this campaign I have found that people will exercise astonishing mental gymnastics to justify their own racist or partisan political/religious viewpoints. You don't have to like O, there are plenty of valid reasons not to, but it is pathetic to be so small that you need others to feel the same way to validate your position.

7.10.2008

Baby Mama Drama

Here's some straight talk for you shortyz considering supporting the Mummy 'cause you think the Dems were hard on Hillary.



So, in the paternalistic and sexist Mummy's worldview a man being functionally able to make babies is more important than a woman deciding when they might want to have a baby.

Asshats.

Jess and Me: Update

Jess says he wants to cut off my nuts and FauxNews is falling all over themselves broadcasting this "scoop" to white America.

O is loving this. Bloomberg gets it.

Asante sana, FauxNews for making O appear more moderate to the one group that wasn't completely vibe'n with him yet. Much love to you and yours for getting me that much closer to la Casa Blanca.

7.09.2008

The Press Sucks McCain Off When You Aren't Looking

The so-called liberal press has still got its lips firmly attached to the Mummy's sweaty, wrinkled sack (an image that will keep O wide awake tonight) and are still busy pushing the Old Party narrative that I am "moving to the center." His campaign doesn't need an ad budget with these punk ass lapdogs carrying his water for him.

Okay, O will try to 'splain this one more time. I am not tracking to the middle. I did not say I was changing my position on bringing the troops home. I have always said that I would listen to military leaders on how to bring them home... but the buck stop in the Oval Joint. They start coming come home when I take office. Period.

I also did not say I would filibuster the FISA bill. What I said was this, as reported by my spox:
"To be clear: Barack will support a filibuster of any bill that includes retroactive immunity for telecommunications companies."
Did you hear about a filibuster being successfully mounted? No, you didn't. There wasn't the votes for it. So I voted to strip telecom immunity from the bill three times, and when that failed I voted for an imperfect bill that does give Dum W what he wants. This is not a flip-flop. It is pragmatism.
"Given the choice between voting for an improved yet imperfect bill, and losing important surveillance tools, Senator Obama chose to support"
Shit, folks, it isn't like I can veto the bill. I ain't the Prezo yet. Pump your brakes and get a grip. In a few months all of these expanded powers that Dum W and Dick Vader have carved out for themselves will be in far saner hands. Right now, I just don't need your shit.

So please stop all of this "Obama is turning his back on the left and tacking to the center" bullshit. You would know that if you hadn't first bought into the narrative that I was the most liberal senator in the Senate. Is it just a coincidence that the Sen. Kerry was also the most liberal senator when he was running too? Hmm.

If you look at Progressive scorecards I end up closer to the middle than most people think, which is why I stated that anyone who thinks I am moving to the center hasn't been paying attention. I am liberal on some issues (most) and far more moderate on others. You can see it yourself.

Now, go out and educate a so-called journalist. First, though, you'll need to pry their faces out of the Mummy's moist, stinky jockstrap.

O, out.

Jess and Me

So, Jesse Jackson said some foul shit about O during an interview with FauxNews. I am certain that it is a complete accident that FauxNews left the microphone hot after the interview. A complete accident. Right. No searching for dirt here, folks.

Anypop, Jess said that I talk down to Black people. Silly, man. I talk down to everyone. I am not just picking on Black folks. You'd think that people would've pick up on that by now. I graduated from Harvard. Fucking Harvard, dawg.

I know that Jess is, like, mad jealous anyway so I ain't sweatin' it. In fact since FauxNews won't be able to help themselves by running the clip over and over and over and over... to buttress the Rovehole talking point that I am "cooly arrogant," they will also do something else for me unintentionally.

By showing white Americans that Jess, their favorite brotha to hate, in fact hates me... it will go a long way in contrasting me as more moderate, reasonable and palatable than before this accidental incident.

One would be excused for thinking that all of this might have been planned by O and the Two Davids long before this day. Completely excused. Heh heh...

7.07.2008

Shock and Awe

At last I can confirm that I will be giving my convention acceptance speech at Invesco Field in Denver. This has been long in planning, young ones. I am glad I can share this thrilling news with you now.

Imagine the difference people will see (and the message it sends) when they sleep through the Mummy giving his speech in front of 20,000 old white people in a Minnesota arena that will look a lot like the old man staring out blankly at a still and quiet snow covering, contrasted with experiencing O's oratorical brilliance in front of a throbbing, swaying, electric sea of diversity some 76,000 folks strong. Oh, joy!

The fact that O's speech will take place on the 45th anniversary of MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech is hardly a coincidence. O is going to rock this shit.

Something else for the Old Party to fret about.

7.06.2008

Doesn't Film Suck?

Pssst... Obamabots, pass this link around to friends and family.

John McCain's YouTube Problem, by Robert Greenwald's BraveNew Films



You can also shoot your peeps a link from the site, The Real John McCain.

Feel free to embed these bomb-ass little jewels everywhere. That's how we can get our message past the so-called liberal media to the people of this great nation. Make it viral, baby.

The revolution will be streamed.

Attacks from Everywhere

You see, Obama Nation, this is why I opted out of public financing system.



And I love that the Old Party ends the commercial with the awful, stinging, dreadful, accusation that I vote 97% of the time with the party that most Americans trust on just about every issue facing the country this cycle. LOL! I'll take that.

Inept assclowns. One has to wonder if they are trying to lose in November.

7.04.2008

Flops, Wilson, Out and Pancakes

Can you believe this shit? Really? The fucking Mummy, the undisputed King-fucking-Kong of flipping and floppy, is trying to call O out for allegedly flip-flopping on exiting troops out of Iraq.

Give me a flippin' break!

All you Obamabots know he is just trying to make shit where shit ain't but it just chaps my ass to see this frontin assclown being assisted by the liberal press in pushing this bullshit.

This is the quote that makes O pass milk through his nose though:
Earlier this week, McCain said, "I don't switch my position depending on what audience or what time it is in the electoral calendar. ... I believe that [voters] will more and more see where Sen. Obama has switched his positions on fundamental issues. The one thing they want is trust and confidence in their leadership, and I think I will win in that area."
Can I call bullshit on that one? Just in case you need to be reminded of just how many times the Mummy has switched his positions check out this site that actually tracks his many flips. Or this one. At this rate I just hope the authors of these sites have cleared their schedules for the next few months. It is going to be a long, hot, lying summer.

Happy Birthday, America!

Happy Independence Day, fellow Americans. Consider this image a visual treat from Imaginary Obama, Superpatriot! Asante sana, citizens. Much love to you and yours for making my story uniquely American.

7.01.2008

O and Patriotism

I gave a nice, some would say spectacular, speech on patriotism in Independence, MO. Actually it was fucking amazing, if I may say so myself.

Anypop, I love my country but there are still those who don't believe me. Many of these folks are authoritarian nationalists so my mere authentic patriotism would never measure up to their perverse standards.

You should check out the dawgs at The Huffington Post. Asante sana, Larisa, for calling these fascists out. Much love to you and yours.

Wes, In the Hizzouse

I've been a little busy lately so I haven't been blogging as much as I like but I gotta give some major snaps to my boy, Wes Clark for calling the Mummy out on his bullshit fronting of his POW experience. Now, I'm not saying -- and neither is Wes -- that the Mummy's service isn't something to be valued and respected (that's the general disclaimer Axe says I need to keep pushing right before I smack the shit out of him for something).

What Wes was saying was just 'cause the careless motherfucker gets in a plane and gets shot down doesn't automatically make him qualified to be Commander and Chief. I happen to agree him. It is like the guy who gets in a car accident and thinks that experience qualifies him to be CEO of the car company.

And now the wingnuts are throwing a tizzy.

Ridiculous assclowns.